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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject