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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.