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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!