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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY