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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.