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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.