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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.