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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.