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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late