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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.