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Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.