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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.