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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands