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Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.