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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.