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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.