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Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Trust me, I am a liar.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"