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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.