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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day