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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"