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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.