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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?