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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.