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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.