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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves