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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I dream about naps.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.