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The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"