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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug