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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.