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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.