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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
No pants are the best pants.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.