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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.