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Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.