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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.