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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?