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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.