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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.