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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Save water- shower with me!
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
I have nothing!