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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.