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So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
:): The Bipolar smiley face
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom