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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I make a great second impression.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.