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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.