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I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Very productive day today, turd-wise
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.