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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....