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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.