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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.