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Vodka is just amazing water.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
is in no shape to exercise
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.