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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.