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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.