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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.