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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
It should really be called teethpaste.