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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.