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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…