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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.