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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. Iām buying a sandwich.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.