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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.