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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
This recliner and I go way back.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading