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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.