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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I`m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.