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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.