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You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.