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Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?