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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
How Big is Infinity?
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook