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The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!