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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.