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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?