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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.