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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.