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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.