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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.