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I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.