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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.