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Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.