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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.