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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.