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Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!