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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.